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Post by colinchapman on Jan 2, 2011 16:41:39 GMT
Hey,
Just wanted to say "Great job!" on AoS; an obvious abour of love with much to recommend it. I'm a fan of simple, traditional systems that do what they need to do and get out of the way, so it's cool to see something based on Newt's OQ ruleset.
Combined with the LotR-inspired setting, you've created a real winner, and you've produced a clean, attractive, and well-organized layout too, which gives the game an elegant feel.
The only downside for me was what little art was included. No, Im not complaining about the lack of art (in fact, I kind of like the idea that the actual appearances, etc. are a matter of imagination and textual description). Rather, I simply find that the elegance of the presentation is undermined very slightly by including substandard art. Given how few pieces are in the book, I think it'd be a lot better off without the likes of the orc, demon and troll faces (especially as one orc depiction is greenish when they're described as "swarthy"). I'd rather not have those jarring pieces in there, and if more art is to be used, have spot art in the CGenerated style of the cover, sword, gem-studded decoration, etc. Clear, clean, spot art in a consistent style supporting the text, writing, and layout.
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 2, 2011 17:14:54 GMT
By the way, I spotted some typographical errors, so if it's not too late to use correct them, let me know.
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 2, 2011 17:40:56 GMT
Also, I don't know if it'd help or not, but I created a huge listing of names for the various races and cultures of Middle Earth, extensively researched. Although you're not recreating Middle Earth, it could help in providing inspiration for various character names in your own setting. It can be downloaded HERE. cheers! Colin
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Post by CSP Kris on Jan 2, 2011 23:14:56 GMT
Hello and welcome to the forums. First of all, thanks for the kind words regarding the book (and no it's not too late to make a few corrections as it's still not really made it to 'version 1' yet ). - - - - - Regarding the monster faces... I'll be honest and say that the ones in question were originally just going to be placeholders until I got round to attempting something better (in fact they were just sketches done with a biro at my last place of work - tidied up a little in photoshop) ...but I guess I just never got around to it (plus I'm not going to pretend that I'm a great artist in any case). However, your comments have given me incentive to at least give it a try ...so here's a look at a WIP of the demon (though I've only attempted the skin tone yet) - just to see if that style would be a bit better (as it's probably the best I can manage at the moment): As I say, I'm not a great artist, and this whole thing is a one-man-project, so hopefully I can be forgiven if it's a little amateurish looking. - - - - - With regard to names... I have somewhat cheekily used Sindarin for all of the elvish stuff (as I'd rather the names actually mean something rather than something I've just made up that sounded cool ...erm ...though I suppose Sindarin is 'made up' ...but hopefully you know what I mean ). I've tried to do the same with Khuzdul for the dwarf names (though there is not much known about that language, and not surprisingly, not many words to choose from unfortunately). For the race of men I would dearly like to have the Taliska wordlist made public (apparently one exists), and I have used a couple of the currently known words to name Haladar and Taldad, but for the most part, those appearing in the campaign guide will have names of Gothic origin. (but thanks for the list ...you can never have too many things like that in the old GM folder )
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Post by CSP Kris on Jan 3, 2011 17:16:54 GMT
Here's a look at the finished(ish) picture - though now that it's coloured I think that it looks a lot more like a beastling (and so I should probably use it as such). While sill far from perfect, I think that this style would probably be more in line with the rest of the book - though a second opinion would be great EDIT: I'll also be replacing the picture beneath the mirage spell with a simple pattern that runs along the bottom of the page:
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 21:27:27 GMT
Hey Kris, You're more than welcome, mate; you've done great work here. On the art front, I confess that I still think it'd be better left to textual description and imagination, and that CG spot art would be a better substitute. It's not that I think the images are "bad" per se, but they seem jarring against the otherwise clean, crisp presentation. Perhaps that's one issue with the pics then; they lack the definition, crispness, and strong colour that defines the CG pics? For the Beastling (I agree with you, it's more Beastling than Demon), if you use it I'd suggest make it facially scarred, or give it a snarling expression or something, as well as making the fur more dirty and tangled to get across the evil nature of the creatures. Hmm, that possibly hits on another issue with the pics; they lack expression. They're a bit too straight-faced and unemotional for creatures of evil. If you're happier producing CG art (certainly, the pics you've produced in that style are elegant), perhaps a good approach would be to produce CG pics of amulets, shields, or tokens, and the like depicting crude or simple renditions of the monsters? Such as an ancient metal amulet bearing a demon's face, or a dark, battered shield with a very crudely painted orc's head on it. In fact, depictions of the arms/armour of the monstrous minions might be good spot art for the creature section. Just an idea. Now, I'll make myself more useful by posting some errata. cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 21:31:33 GMT
Okay, errata.
The first one is a biggie: Throughout the text you refer to the Player Characters as "PC's". It should actually just be "PCs" (with no apostrophe). Use of the apostrophe indicates possession or is a contraction for "PC is" which is grammatically incorrect. The apostrophe never indicates pluralisation.
Another biggie is calling the GM the "Games Master". Given that the GM is only mastering the one "game", and you're not using the possessive "the game's master", it should just be "Game Master" throughout.
Page 3, 1st column, 1st para.: You use "though" twice inside the brackets. Remove the first "though" as it is redundant.
More to come.
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 21:51:29 GMT
Page 4, 2nd column, Combat: "hand to hand" is most commonly hyphenated "hand-to-hand".
Page 6, 2nd column, Generating Characteristics: "d6's" should be "d6s".
Page 8, 2nd column, Resistances: "harms way" should be "harm's way".
More to come.
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 21:56:27 GMT
A hopefully useful tweak rather than errata:
On page 10, you could use an example of two of different thrown/missile weapons in table 2.7. To give yourself a line or two of extra space in that column, change "This is a measure of..." in both instances in table 2.6 to "A measure of...". You should claw back a line or two that way without needing any serious reformatting, enabling you to add ", such as spears and bows." to the end of the Ranged Combat Description.
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 22:11:18 GMT
Page 13, 1st column, Andrew: "34 a success, etc." should be, "34. A success! Anthar takes a running jump across the ravine and is now on the other side! What’s there?" Better punctuation and more dramatic.
Page 14, 1st column, Fumbles: "d10's" should be "d10s".
Note: As a matter of style, you've got some examples referring to Skills and Characteristics in lower case (strength, influence, etc.) and in other cases capitalised (Strength, Influence, etc.). You need to decide on one approach and apply it throughout the document. I personally recommend Strength, Influence, etc. as these are game terms and it makes them more immediately apparent.
More to come!
cheers! Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 22:13:15 GMT
Page 16, 2nd column, 1st para.: "Simultaneously the Games Master" should be "Simultaneously, the Game Master".
Page 16, 2nd column, 1st para.: Delete "the" before "their condition".
Page 16, 2nd column, 2nd para.: "DM" should be "GM".
Page 17, 1st column, 1st para.: "Character's" should be "Characters". Also, the sentence is a bit clumsy, so change "...and quite often perform tasks that are considered impossible by normal people." to "..., quite often performing tasks that are considered impossible by normal people."
More to come.
Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 3, 2011 22:38:37 GMT
Page 18, 1st column, Culture, 2nd para.: "Culture (other)" should be "Culture (Other)".
Page 18, 2nd column, Healing: "-50 penalty" needs the percentage sign added.
Page 19, 2nd column, 2nd para.: "were one roll" should be "where one roll".
Page 19, 2nd column, Elvish: "+20 bonus" needs the percentage sign added.
Page 20, 1st column, Lore, 4th para.: Change "A list of potential study areas of Lore is listed here:" to "A list of potential study areas of Lore is provided here:".
Page 20, 1st column, Nature Lore: Change "It can be broken into five specialist areas." to "It can be broken into five specialist areas:"
Out of time for skimming tonight. More to come tomorrow! The process would be a lot faster if I could simply modify the pdf rather than spending time listing out each change, but such is life.
cheers! Colin
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Post by CSP Kris on Jan 4, 2011 16:42:35 GMT
Wow ...thank you very much for your help - it's greatly appreciated. Also, thanks a lot for being honest about the pictures. I suppose I knew deep down that they weren't really up to scratch - but sometimes you (and by that I mean me) need a little push from someone else to try and do better. - - - - - Now back to the pictures... I think I'll be replacing the orc picture (in the monster entry) with a rather crude looking shield image: And I've played around with the above beastling image and tried to give it an excuse for looking as static as it does (i.e. blame the drawing on someone else ) by having look like an actual entry in a bestiary or something - rather than an action shot of the monster itself (which I think is probably the best I've got it looking thus far). EDIT: Hmm... maybe I should see how it looks with the initial sketch too.
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 4, 2011 21:13:34 GMT
You're welcome, mate; glad to be of help.
I think going with the shield and "bestiary entry" style is a nice idea, and yep, it probably will look better with the linework sketch image on the bestiary "page".
Now, on with some errata:
Page 22, 2nd column, Consequences: "there are consequences in their use" should be "there are consequences to its use".
Page 23, 2nd column, BV: "The items barter value." should be "The item's barter value."
Page 24, 2nd column, BV: "The items barter value." should be "The item's barter value."
Page 27, 2nd column, 2nd to last para.: Change the question mark to a full stop; you're making a statement, not asking a question.
Page 28, 1st column, Determine Order: Add a comma after "combat".
Page 28, 1st column, Encounter Distance: "swords reach" should be "swords' reach".
Page 29, 2nd column, Disarming Attack: "d6" should be "1d6".
Page 29, 2nd column, Great Attack: It's currently restricted to swords, axes, and maces going by the text. That oddly excludes flails, balls & chains, hammers, polearms and other weapons that should logically be able to deliver such blows too. I would simply make it a general tactical choice for any weapons, removing, "using swords, axes, or maces" from the description. After all, it's possible to coil back for a mighty spear thrust, or spin a stave to deliver a massive blow, etc. Any weapon can realistically be used in such a way as to deliver maximum damage with focus.
Page 29, 2nd column, Set Weapon: Change "the shaft of a weapon" to "the shaft of a long, thrusting weapon".
Page 30, 1st column, "Influence vs a failed" should be "Influence vs. a failed".
Page 31, 2nd column, Reactions, 2nd para. and 3rd para.: "hand thrown" should be "hand-thrown".
More to come.
Colin
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Post by colinchapman on Jan 4, 2011 21:45:44 GMT
Page 32, 1st column, 3rd para.: "harms way" should be "harm's way".
Page 32, 2nd para. Dodging And Parrying: "hand thrown" should be "hand-thrown" in both instances.
Page 33, 1st column, Firing Into A Crowd, last sent.: "The accidental target may dodge against this attack as normal." should be "The accidental target may dodge this attack if it is hand-thrown, as normal".
Page 33, Table 5.2: Change "Therefore, shooting at a target within a mist that has moved more than 10m since the attacker’s last action imparts a -50% penalty." to "Therefore, shooting at a target in the mist who has moved more than 10m since the attacker's last action, imparts a -50% penalty."
Page 34, 1st column, Major Wounds, 1st sent.: Change "If a character takes half of their original HP in one go then they suffer a major wound." to "If a character suffers damage equal to half or more of their original HP in a single strike, they suffer a major wound."
Page 34, Table 5.3, 1st entry: Change "All Perception rolls become -50%." to "-50% to all Perception rolls."
...2nd entry: Change "All skills involving mental processes become -25 permanently." to "-25% to all skills involving mental processes, permanently."
...5th entry: Change "All skills become -50% due to severe pain." to "-50% to all skills due to severe pain."
...7th entry: Change "d10" to "1d10".
Page 34, 2nd column, Fatal Wounds, 1st sent.: Change "go" to "strike".
Page 35, 1st column, Break Free: Change "succeeds his roll" to "succeeds at his roll".
And that's all I have time for tonight.
cheers! Colin
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